Why Are We Only Teaching Autistic Kids Social Skills?

10 Skills Every Parent and Educator Should Teach Non-Autistic Children

We spend enormous amounts of time teaching autistic children how to make friends, join conversations, participate in groups, and navigate social situations.

But what are we teaching their non-autistic peers?

Friendship is a two-way street. If we want autistic children to experience genuine belonging, we need to teach non-autistic children how to build relationships across neurological differences.

First, we need to remember that autism is not a personality type.

Autistic children are as diverse in personality as non-autistic children. Some are outgoing and love parties. Others prefer one or two close friends. Some are funny, adventurous, competitive, or talkative. Others are quiet, thoughtful, cautious, or reserved. And, like all children, their personalities continue to develop as they grow.

Autistic children, like non-autistic children, can be wonderful friends. They bring their own humor, interests, perspectives, and personalities to relationships. Some friendships develop easily; others take more effort and understanding. That’s true of friendships between any two people.

We shouldn’t assume that an autistic child doesn’t want friends, dislikes social events, or prefers to be alone simply because they’re autistic.

Instead, let’s teach children to ask themselves two questions:

1. How would I handle this situation with any friend or classmate?
2. How can I make my approach more autism-friendly for this particular person?

An autism-friendly approach often involves being clear about what you’re asking, explaining what to expect, allowing time to respond, and making it comfortable to say yes, no, or something else.

The goal isn’t to treat autistic children as fundamentally different. It’s to recognize each child as an individual and make thoughtful adjustments that help friendships develop.

Here are ten skills we can teach, with examples for elementary, middle, and high school students.

1. Keep Inviting, Even When Someone Doesn’t Always Say Yes

A declined invitation doesn’t necessarily mean someone doesn’t want friends. They may be tired, overwhelmed, uncertain, or simply uninterested that day.

• Elementary: “We’re playing tag again today. Want to join us? You can always play another day, too.”
• Middle school: “Maybe you like eating lunch alone sometimes, but you’re always welcome to sit with us.”
• High school: “We’re going to homecoming together. I’d love for you to come. No pressure, though!”

The lesson: Keep the door open. Don’t interpret every declined invitation as rejection, but respect someone’s wishes if they don’t want further invitations.

2. Be Curious About Their Interests

You don’t have to share someone’s interests to enjoy learning about them.

• Elementary: “You really like dinosaurs! Which one’s your favorite?”
• Middle school: “I’ve never played that game. What do you like about it?”
• High school: “That coding project sounds interesting. What are you making?”

The lesson: Ask genuine questions and listen. Curiosity can create connections between people with very different interests.

3. Share Your Own Interests, Too

An autistic friend may not automatically ask follow-up questions or express excitement in the way you expect. That doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t interested.

• Elementary: “I got a puppy! Want to see a picture? Do you have any pets?”
• Middle school: “I know you’re into Minecraft, but I’m really into soccer. Want to see the goal I scored?”
• High school: “I’m excited about getting my license, but I’m nervous, too. Have you thought about driving?”

The lesson: Friendships should make room for both people’s interests. Share what matters to you, ask concrete questions, and don’t assume a different response means a lack of caring.

4. Make Invitations Clear

New situations can feel uncertain for anyone. Knowing what to expect makes it easier to decide whether to participate.

• Elementary: “We’re playing four square by the swings. Want to play? I can show you how.”
• Middle school: “A few of us play cards in the library after lunch. Want to come? You can watch first.”
• High school: “I haven’t been to homecoming, but my sister has. I can tell you what she said it’s like. Want to go with us?”

The lesson: Explain who, what, where, and when. Offer information without assuming someone needs help or reassurance.

5. Make Group Work Collaborative and Predictable

Unspoken expectations and changing plans can make group projects difficult for anyone.

• Elementary: “I like drawing. Do you want to draw or write for our poster?”
• Middle school: “Let’s make a list of the jobs and each pick one. What would you like to do?”
• High school: “I like having deadlines written down. Can we make a shared document? What works best for you?”

The lesson: Share your preferences, ask about theirs, and make responsibilities clear. Good collaboration doesn’t require everyone to work the same way.

6. Make Room for Different Ways to Participate

Some children love parties and dances. Others prefer quieter activities. Many enjoy both, depending on the situation.

• Elementary: “I love birthday parties, but I know not everyone does. We’re having pizza and games. Want to come?”
• Middle school: “I mostly go to dances to hang out with friends. Do you like dancing, or would you rather just hang out?”
• High school: “Homecoming might be loud. If either of us wants a break, we can step outside. Sound good?”

The lesson: Don’t assume what someone will enjoy. Share your own preferences, ask about theirs, and make room for different choices.

7. Give People Time to Respond

Some people need more time to process questions, consider choices, or make decisions.

• Elementary: “Do you want to play on the swings or the slide? We can think about it.”
• Middle school: “Want to work together on the science project? You can tell me after class.”
• High school: “We’re going to the game Friday. Want to come? You can text me tomorrow.”

The lesson: Ask clear questions, allow time, and don’t pressure someone for an immediate answer.

8. Ask Instead of Assuming

Eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, and conversational styles don’t always tell us what someone is thinking.

• Elementary: “I wasn’t sure if you heard me. Do you want to keep playing?”
• Middle school: “I couldn’t tell if you were joking. Were you?”
• High school: “I’m not always good at figuring out tone over text. Were you upset, or did I misunderstand?”

The lesson: Ask respectful questions instead of guessing someone’s intentions. Make room for an answer you didn’t expect.

9. Repair Misunderstandings Without Blame

Every friendship involves misunderstandings. Learning to discuss them helps relationships grow.

• Elementary: “I felt sad when you walked away. Did you want a break, or was something wrong?”
• Middle school: “You didn’t sit with us at lunch. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be alone. Are we okay?”
• High school: “I wasn’t sure what to think when you didn’t answer my text. Do you still want to make plans sometime?”

The lesson: Explain your feelings without blaming the other person. Ask questions and listen to their perspective.

10. Notice Exclusion and Create Opportunities for Connection

Sometimes children are left out because others assume they aren’t interested. Inclusion starts with recognizing that we don’t always know what someone wants.

• Elementary: “We’re making kickball teams. Want to be on ours?”
• Middle school: “We’re going to the science exhibits on the field trip. Want to walk around with us?”
• High school: “We’re making prom plans. Want to join us for dinner, the dance, or both?”

The lesson: Offer real opportunities for connection. Be specific, make it easy to respond, and let people decide for themselves.

Where Can We Teach These Skills?

These skills shouldn’t be left to chance. Parents and educators can teach them intentionally, just as we teach other important social and emotional skills.

At school, they can be incorporated into social-emotional learning (SEL) classes, taught as a unit in virtually any academic subject, or practiced in small groups. Teachers can use role-playing, literature, classroom discussions, and real-life scenarios to help students practice communicating clearly, asking concrete questions, and navigating differences.

At home, these conversations don’t require formal lessons. They can happen during car rides, at bedtime, around the dinner table, or whenever families spend time together.

Parents might ask, “What would you do if a friend kept turning down invitations?” Or, “What if you told a friend something exciting and they didn’t ask any questions?”

These everyday conversations give children opportunities to practice perspective-taking, flexible thinking, and communicating their own needs while respecting someone else’s.

The goal is to make understanding differences a normal part of how we teach children about relationships—not a special conversation reserved for Autism Awareness Month.

Social Understanding Is a Two-Way Street

We have spent decades teaching autistic children how to understand the social expectations of non-autistic people. It’s time to invest just as intentionally in teaching non-autistic children how to understand, communicate with, and build friendships with autistic peers.

We don’t need children to become therapists, caretakers, or social skills teachers for their autistic classmates. We need them to become thoughtful, flexible, and genuine friends.

Start with the person, not the diagnosis.

The goal isn’t to make everyone interact in the same way. It’s to help children recognize that different ways of communicating, connecting, and participating can lead to equally meaningful relationships.

Social competence isn’t just knowing how to interact. It’s knowing how to adapt your interactions to the person in front of you.