Helping Our Children Navigate Body Boundaries
By Monica McGuire, Director of Communications, Russell Coaching, with Norrine Russell, Ph.D.
Recently a family friend, Bill, pulled our sixteen-year-old son, Mac, into a hug he knew Mac didn’t want.
“See,” Bill said, “even if you don’t want a hug, you can’t get away from me. I still love you.”
I smiled awkwardly, trying to assess why I felt so uncomfortable. Certainly I like that Bill loves our son, but I didn’t like that he was asserting power over him. Yes, in an ideal world, Mac would want to return our friend’s hug. But guess what? He didn’t. And our friend knew it. Bill was sending mixed messages — telling Mac he loved him while at the same time ignoring Mac’s wishes.
Mac has Aspergers and social situations can be tricky for him. He doesn’t always know what to say to other people. But at his core, he is a respectful kid who hates conflict. So instead of engaging in battle, he stood stiffly and endured the hug he didn’t want.
I have to admit, a part of me was happy for the lack of confrontation — it was so much easier not to have to take a side. And really, he is sixteen, so certainly he is old enough to fight his own battles. But a few days later I realized that my silence was a mistake. I wanted more for my child, and for me, than grudging acceptance and forced affections. I wanted my child to have a voice and feel empowered to speak his mind. I decided to talk to Mac.
“I know it makes you uncomfortable when Bill hugs you,” I said. “It’s okay for you to stick up for yourself.”
“Okay.”
“You could say something like ‘Please don’t hug me. That makes me feel uncomfortable.’ or you could also try putting your hand out like a stop sign. Sometimes people just need a visual reminder to stop. You could say something like, ‘I really don’t like to hug, but I’d be happy to shake your hand.’ Whatever you decide, I’m on your side. Let me know if you want me to help.”
Like all of us, Mac likes to know that someone is on his side and has his back. He’s not quick to make decisions, so he may or may not ask me to help him talk to Bill. As a peacemaker kid who finds it difficult to read people and navigate social situations, it is important to let him know that he can stand up for himself. It is also important to get him started thinking about what he can say. Both of these things will go a long way towards empowering him to take action the next time something happens.
On the other hand, some kids want to hug all their friends, all the time. It can be difficult for these children to read the cues of those who don’t want to be hugged.
Ten-year-old Sophia is one of those kids. Her mom, Laura says, “Sophia is naturally very affectionate with her friends. She loves to hug them hello and goodbye. However, not all of her friends are as physically demonstrative. We find ourselves having to have many conversations about body boundaries among friends.”
Kids who crave physical connection can have a hard time understanding when their friends don’t want a hug. They may wonder, ‘doesn’t my friend like me?’ They can feel confused — ‘how can something that feels so warm and natural to me feel uncomfortable and frustrating to my friend?’
One way you can help your child is by noticing times when your child doesn’t want a hug. Sometimes when we are angry or hurt we want time to ourselves. If this is the case for your child, talk with them after they’ve experienced these feelings and see if they can recognize their own “no hug” moments.
You can also talk to them about touch they don’t enjoy. Maybe they love hugs but dislike being tickled. Or maybe they can’t stand the feeling of their little brother tapping their arm or the dog licking their face. Remind them that even though they don’t like these sensations, they can still like their little brother, the dog, and the person who is tickling them. Which means, just because their friend doesn’t want to be hugged, doesn’t mean they don’t like them. It is important to distinguish between the person and the action. A person may love another person, but still not want to engage in a hug.
There are a number of books that are out there that may help. Many of these books are geared towards younger readers, but the concepts apply to all ages. Parents may find it helpful to consult the books before talking with their children. Recent books are listed below.
Harrison P. Spader, Personal Space Invader / by Christianne C. Jones, illustrated by Cale Atkinson
Let's Talk about Body Boundaries, Consent & Respect: a Book to Teach Children about Body Ownership, Respectful Relationships, Feelings and Emotions, Choices, and Recognizing Bullying Behaviors / by Jayneen Sanders; illustrated by Sarah Jennings.
No Hugs! / by Deirdre Prischmann, illustrated by Sarah Jennings
No Means No!: Teaching Children about Personal Boundaries, Respect and Consent; Empowering Kids by Respecting Their Choices and Their Right to Say, 'No!' by Jayneen Sanders, illustrated by Cherie Zamazing (Contains discussion questions for parents, caregivers, and educators at the end of the book.)
About the Authors
Monica McGuire is a writer and parent who believes all relationships, including parent-child relationships, flourish under mutual respect, curiosity, kindness, and compassion. She lives in Michigan with her family where she is constantly being challenged to listen to, understand, and appreciate her teenagers’ points of view. You can reach her at monicamcguire100@gmail.com.
Dr. Norrine Russell, Ph.D. is the founder and owner of Russell Coaching. With twenty years of experience creating positive youth development and parenting education programs, Dr. Russell has extensive knowledge of child development, learning styles, special needs, and positive parenting philosophies. She blends this knowledge to provide students and parents with comprehensive support and the tools they need to grow and thrive. You can read her full bio HERE.