When “well that will teach them” Just Doesn’t Work: Helping Neurologically Atypical Children Learn from Failure
By Norrine Russell, Ph.D. & Monica McGuire
Many child development experts tout the benefits of natural consequences for children. They believe that children who experience natural consequences will learn to regulate themselves and take responsibility for their own actions.
But what if you have a neurologically atypical child? For many of these children, the experience of natural consequences does not prompt learning. Instead, these children repeat a failure again and again without changing their own behavior. For these children the idea of “well that will teach them” just doesn’t work. Instead, they need the guidance of a trusted adult to help them navigate the complex emotions and circumstances that led to the failure in the first place.
Let’s take a look at some examples of children who aren’t learning from their experiences. Consider:
A 4th grader who repeatedly doesn’t behave at school. He has a behavior plan but continues to stand too close to others and blurt insults and swearwords.
A middle school girl who time and again loses friends by talking behind their backs, spreading rumors, and lying.
A teenage boy who vapes at school is suspended and engages in the same behavior a few weeks later.
A teenage girl who engages in high-risk behaviors with young men is found passed out on her front lawn and sneaks out the next weekend to do it again.
These kids aren’t learning from their failures in an organic way. They are making the same mistakes over and over again, which is the opposite of growth. As parents, we want to help them grow. So how can parents help their children do this?
The first step is to provide your child with an opportunity for reflection using non-judgmental questions such as:
What happened?
Why did it happen?
Can you share with us what was going on in your mind at the time?
After you realized that things didn’t turn out the way you hoped, did you want to do things differently?
If so, what got in your way?
Taking the time to ask questions and discuss situations with your children is how parents build decision-making skills with their children and teens.
Secondly, we need to help our kids make a plan for the next time they are in that situation. This involves asking more questions such as:
When you are in class and tempted to act impulsively, what could you do instead?
How would you feel if you did that?
What could you tell yourself to motivate yourself?
Do you have anything you know to do to help with self-control?
How can you ask for help?
Don’t expect changes to happen overnight. Perseverance and good communication are necessary companions on the road to success. You can help increase your child’s chance of reaching their goals by:
Role-Playing — Help your child practice what they will say to a teacher, friend, classmate, family member, or stranger. Respond back in a variety of ways so that your child can develop both a plan and a backup plan. Everyone has a hard time thinking on their feet sometimes. By role-playing a number of different scenarios you give your child the best chance for success in real-life situations.
Pre-Plan for Difficult Situations — Similar to role-playing, talk with your child about their options. What will your child do on the field trip if they start to feel overwhelmed? What will their response be if John pushes him on the playground again? What will she do the next time an inappropriate word pops into her head? What will he do the next time his friend asks him to vape?
Be a Cheerleader — Bring positive energy to the situation by expressing faith and confidence in your child. Let them know you appreciate their willingness to tackle a difficult situation. Acknowledge the reality of the situation — “Yes, this is hard AND you can do it!”
Focus on Growth — Your child may not succeed right away. Concentrate on their willingness to try, not their success. There is strength in perseverance! This is not about quick success, but about long-term growth.
Avoid Reminders of Past Failures — Nothing halts motivation like reminders of what we’ve done wrong. It certainly isn’t easy, but continuing to focus on the present, and the positive steps that are being taken to move forward, is the best way to build a positive relationship with your child and to build forward momentum.
Be Gentle with Yourself — Yes, mom and dad, this one is for you. It takes a lot of energy to be present to others — especially when the other has a hard time regulating him/herself. Take time to recharge. This will help you feel better about yourself and help you be present to your child. It will also help you keep your cool. If we are hard on ourselves, we are probably hard on others as well. Being gentle with ourselves helps us be gentle with others. Being gentle helps us build the positive relationships we want in our life. So take a walk, read a book, go to a movie, take a nap, sit quietly— do whatever you need to do to take care of YOU.
Dig Deep — Behavior is communication. What is your child communicating when they make poor choices? It is important to understand the root cause(s) of your child’s behavior. If your child or teen continuously experiences the same failure, it might be helpful to talk with a licensed psychologist to see if there are underlining problems that are prompting the behavior.
Helping children learn from failure isn’t easy. But good communication, continued perseverance, a positive attitude, and a growth mindset can go a long way towards turning your child’s failure into a positive learning opportunity. You got this!
About the Authors
Dr. Norrine Russell, Ph.D. is the founder and owner of Russell Coaching. With twenty years of experience creating positive youth development and parenting education programs, Dr. Russell has extensive knowledge of child development, learning styles, special needs, and positive parenting philosophies. She blends this knowledge to provide students and parents with comprehensive support and the tools they need to grow and thrive. You can read her full bio HERE.
Monica McGuire is a writer and parent who believes all relationships, including parent-child relationships, flourish under mutual respect, curiosity, kindness, and compassion. She lives in Michigan with her family where she is constantly being challenged to listen to, understand, and appreciate her teenagers’ points of view. You can reach her at monicamcguire100@gmail.com.