Prioritizing Healthy Relationships

By Monica McGuire, Director of Communications, Russell Coaching

I come from a family of advice-givers. Our spouses roll their eyes when we step in to help, knowing they are about to get “McGuired” — that we are about to tell them the very best way to do what they are already doing. It is fair to say that the need to give advice is so ingrained in me that it feels hardwired. The thought of not giving advice is almost painful. I’m working on it.

A recent conversation with my friend Sarah provided the perfect opportunity to test my willpower. She was blowing off steam about an interaction she’d had with her son and, for once, I was siding with her son. At the time I didn’t say anything. Truthfully, I was so surprised by Sarah’s viewpoint that I didn’t know what to say. But as I mulled it over that night, I realized I was itching to share my thoughts with her.

Luckily I talked with my friend Jen first. I told her that Sarah was not asking for advice and I didn’t know what, if anything, to say. Jen reminded me of the gifts of patience and time. And as my conversation with Jen floated in and out of my mind, I realized that I did, in fact, know what I should do.

I remembered that my relationship with Sarah was the most important thing, just as maintaining a healthy relationship with our child is the most important part of parenting. I realized that by focusing on the advice I wanted to share, I was missing the opportunity to be present to Sarah. And that was what I needed to do; I needed to be present.

To be present we need to slow ourselves down. To give our attention to what our friend is saying while at the same time noticing the way their story affects us inside. Really hearing our friend puts us in touch with our innate compassion and allows us to comment with empathy instead of judgment. Slowing down also allows us to come in contact with our own curiosity. To acknowledge that we might not know why our friend chose to do what she did. It gives us the chance to ask questions, to dig down to the truth of what our friend is thinking and feeling. And, in the process, it might even expose us to new truths and ways of seeing the world. Best of all, this approach preserves an important relationship.

This approach of slowing down also works with our own children, but it can take more effort to get there. It can be tough to really listen to our kids because our own identity is sometimes tied up in what our children do and who we see them becoming. We often believe that what they say and do reflects directly on us and that can make us reactive and judgy instead of calm and understanding. But the truth is, children are individuals, not extensions of us. And if we can slow down, tap into our curiosity, and be present we can do a lot to grow and preserve one of our most important relationships. We might even learn a thing or two about our children.

So the next time advice is bubbling up your throat, try to slow down and pay attention to the person you are with. Invite curiosity to the conversation. Wonder about the person you are with and seek to better understand how they feel and why they do the things they do. Your reward will be richer relationships, a greater understanding of those closest to you, and the gift of true connection.

About the Author

Monica McGuire is a writer and parent who believes all relationships, including parent-child relationships, flourish under mutual respect, curiosity, kindness, and compassion. She lives in Michigan with her family where she is constantly being challenged to listen to, understand, and appreciate her teenagers’ points of view. You can reach her at monicamcguire100@gmail.com.