Better Tomorrows: Six Ways to Extend Grace to Ourselves and Our Children
By Monica McGuire, Director of Communications, Russell Coaching
I’ll never forget the day I read Jim’s* journal entry. I was working in a multi-age classroom for students with learning disabilities and he was a fourth-grader in the program. His journal read:
“Tomorrow will be a better day. I am going to work harder tomorrow. I am going to eat better foods. Tomorrow I will be focused. Tomorrow I will not talk. I will mind my own business. I will follow directions. I will not look away from my paper. I will not argue with my parents. I will not look away from the computer screen.”
With each tomorrow my stomach plunged a little deeper. By the time I finished reading, I had tears in my eyes.
Wow.
Jim, like most students in the program, had a secondary diagnosis beyond his learning disabilities. In Jim’s case, it was ADHD and he was trying new meds. It was hard to know which behaviors were inherently “Jim” and which ones were simply side effects of his new medication. Either way, we were pulling out all the stops to coax Jim into doing his work. And he, in turn, spent most of his day resisting, arguing, complaining. In the midst of this push-pull relationship, I tried my best to empathize with his frustrations, yet at the same time never stopped to ponder how these interactions made him feel or what pressures he was putting on himself because of them.
Reading his journal reminded me that he was just like me. I too lay in bed each night going through the list of what I will do better tomorrow — I will respond with more patience, feed my kids more vegetables, take time to exercise.
Reading Jim’s journal was a wake-up call. I realized how easy it is to get caught up in children’s behaviors and not recognize the feelings/needs/wishes behind them. I realized how we distance ourselves from children when we don’t acknowledge that we are both struggling with many of the same issues. Jim reminded me that we all need a little grace every day.
So how can parents extend grace in their parent/child relationships? It starts with extending grace to ourselves.
Be gentle with yourself. Few things make us feel more like an adult than being 100% responsible for another human. Yet at the same time, the act of parenting shines a light on our own childhood wounds. So here we are, parenting a child and ourselves at the same time. This means, even at its best, parenting is going to be messy. So accept the mess, let go of perfection, walk away from your responsibilities, and recharge by doing something for yourself each day — even if it is only for a few minutes. Prioritizing your health and sanity is a blessing to yourself and to your children; they can only benefit from a happier you.
Embrace failure. My son loves to quote Thomas Edison, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” That’s parenting in a nutshell! It is hard, day in and day out to come up with new ways to reach our children, but if we can look at what doesn’t work as simply a bump in the road to success instead of a failure, it is easier to keep our spirits up and keep on going.
Be gentle with your children. Children live in an unpredictable world in which they are constantly learning new rules. Pair this with the fact that adults have the power to dictate what children should do and when and it is easy to see how children could become frustrated. Jim’s journal entry reminds us that kids experience performance pressure too. We do not always know what our child is really thinking. Just like us, a child’s “best” is going to change from day to day depending on experiences and her present state of being. We can improve our relationship with our children by assuming that they are always doing their best, even when we wish their best was better.
Acknowledge frustrations. You can’t take your child’s frustrations away, but you can acknowledge them. Saying, “Wow, I can see this is really frustrating for you. I feel frustrated too when things are hard for me,” doesn’t erase your child’s frustrations, but it does create a point of connection between the two of you. It lets your child know his feelings matter and can help ease feelings of separation that may arise with his negative thoughts.
Provide opportunities to shine. Self-esteem grows from our knowledge that we can do something well. Give your children a chance to feel good about themselves by completing tasks on their own without help or gentle reminders. Or give them an opportunity to show off their expertise. When my son was little, he used to hold art classes for us. He would gather all the supplies and have us sit down at the dining room table where he instructed us step-by-step on how to create art. He felt great because he was both listened to and in control.
Apologize. We all have days when we yell at our children or say or do things we wished we hadn’t. When this happens, take the time to apologize to your kids. Apologizing lets our children know they are important, teaches them that everyone makes mistakes, models for them how to make amends, and helps us come to peace with what we’ve done. Apologizing feels good to everyone involved.
Remember that we are all, our children included, bumbling through life and doing our best. We all need to be seen, heard, understood, and loved. So be gentle with yourself and your children, embrace failure, and acknowledge frustrations. Let your children shine and apologize when you need to. Above all, take the time to spread a little grace.
*Not his real name.
About the Author
Monica McGuire is a writer and parent who believes all relationships, including parent-child relationships, flourish under mutual respect, curiosity, kindness, and compassion. She lives in Michigan with her family where she is constantly being challenged to listen to, understand, and appreciate her teenagers’ points of view. You can reach her at monicamcguire100@gmail.com.