Helping your Student Build their Emotional Control (An Executive Function Skill)

By Monica McGuire, Director of Communications, Russell Coaching

This week’s executive functioning skill is emotional control. This is one that it took me until about my 40s to master so I'm never surprised when I see our students struggling with it. Puberty and hormones don't help either; my own house seems to be a tempest in a teapot most days with two going through puberty. I'm NOT enjoying it! So what is emotional control and what can we do to help our students develop it?

Emotional control is the ability to control your response to a disruptive emotion in order to stay focused on the task at hand. Disruptive emotions are any emotions that interfere with your ability to do what you need to do. These emotions can be internal or external and include emotions such as excitement, frustration, worry, sadness, anticipation, anger, and resentfulness. For example, my son is asked to complete his three daily household chores. His anger and frustration is a disruptive emotion, which prevents him from completing the chores which prevents him from having fun. The inability to control emotions can keep students from meeting their weekly goals or completing homework or a paper and can ultimately lower a student’s self-esteem.

Here are three ways to help your student strengthen their emotional control.

Help them identify their triggers. Does your student get short with you every time they get hungry? In the heat of the moment, it is okay to tell them, “Hey, I don’t like it when you talk to me like that,” but save your discussion for later. Once they are well fed, talk to them. “I noticed you were really short with me earlier. Do you know why that was?” See if they can identify the emotion or the unmet need. You may have to offer some choices. “Were you feeling frustrated about something? Do you think you were hungry?” Helping them identify the problem builds awareness of their own behaviors leading to quicker identification of their triggers in the future. Being able to identify what is going on inside can provide a sense of control and give them a better chance of choosing how they react on the outside.

Brainstorm solutions together. Once you have identified some of your student’s triggers, brainstorm solutions together. For some triggers, avoidance is the best bet. If the music at a restaurant always puts your student on edge, avoiding it all together doesn’t come at a big cost. But if the problem is more personal — it drives them crazy when their best friend brags about their hockey ability — then avoiding the relationship would come at too big of a cost. Instead, help them come up with ways of dealing with the problem that feels right to them. How would it feel to them to just agree with their friend? “You’re right. You are a really good hockey player.” Would that stop their friend in their tracks and end the annoying conversation? Or, maybe your student decides on the direct approach, “It is hard for me to hear you talk about how good you are at hockey. I don’t feel like I’m good at any sport. Would you mind if we didn’t talk about that?” Continue talking until you come to the root of the problem and have found a solution that will work for your student.

Help reframe your student’s experience. Reframing is the ability to look at an experience in a different way in order to make the experience easier to deal with and/or more comfortable. For example, suppose someone cuts you off on the highway. You could assume that the person is cutting you off because they’re a jerk, but you could just as easily imagine they cut you off because a loved one is hurt and they are on the way to the hospital. The first thought boils the blood a bit and most likely leads to anger and frustration, but the second thought could lead to compassion and understanding. There is no way to know which is right, but it is easy to see which thought makes you feel better. Feeling better gives you more energy to focus on the things that matter most to you. When talking to your student about reframing consider approaching it from the idea of energy. We have limited amounts of energy — how would you like to spend yours? Reframing can also include looking at the positive aspects of a negative situation. “I’m so bummed this glass broke. It was a pain to have to clean it up. But at least it broke when I had time to clean it up, instead of 10 minutes later when I need to be on an important call.” Reframing can help your student de-escalate their emotions when they are starting to boil.

To help your student build emotional control, help them identify their triggers, brainstorm solutions, and reframe their experiences. An emotionally controlled student means a happier home for everyone. I'm still working on this with my son and daughter! For more ideas visit: http://blog.studentcaffe.com/emotional-control/

Stay well! We are here to help!

About the Author
Monica McGuire is a writer and parent who believes all relationships, including parent-child relationships, flourish under mutual respect, curiosity, kindness, and compassion. She lives in Michigan with her family where she is constantly being challenged to listen to, understand, and appreciate her teenagers’ points of view. You can reach her at monicamcguire100@gmail.com.